Double Shot: 2-Round "Intense Editing Package" Example
Personal Statement 4: Happy Camper
(The applicant was accepted to both Yale Law School and Harvard Law School. With her 4.0 GPA and 180 LSAT, her main goal was to write a personal statement that would not be an obstacle to her admission. After implementing the changes suggested here, this statement achieved that goal and was even beneficial.)
To one extent or another, I think that everyone who grows up in this country is indoctrinated in a world-view of which this nation is the center and the rest of the world is at the periphery. In such a culture where priority is placed on the individual, it is natural to consider your experience at the very center and marginalize the rest.
Children are naturally self-centered, and probably are more so if growing up in a sheltered environment, as I did. Coming from a traditional, well-off nuclear family, my childhood experience was focused by my innate ideas about the world and my place in it. Even so, I think I was more open about new experiences and travel than the other kids I grew up with. Thanks to my family’s love of camping as our primary recreation, I had visited every state in the country and most southern provinces in Canada by the age of 16. Although this is something of a uniformly North American experience, it did foster in me an appreciation of change, a sense of mobility, and even a certain degree of restfulness. Indeed, it was probably the experience of camping in rural Québec—and not being able to communicate with the campground owners, who spoke only French—when I was 10 years old that touched off my desire to learn the language and travel to France.
As a result, I have been a confirmed Francophile for many years now. Yet, despite growing up in the state with the largest percentage of Hispanics in the country, I never made any effort to either learn Spanish or get to know the culture—much less befriend anyone of a different background than my own. And this attitude persisted until this June. Motivated mainly by the desire to learn a highly useful Romance language, I went to Mexico this summer—and fell in love. The people, the food, the attitudes, and the language itself, all inspired me to open my mind towards this culture I had previously dismissed, with the result that now, back in Oklahoma, I am continuing my studies in Spanish and making every effort to involve myself with groups on campus as well as individual students I meet with Latin American backgrounds.
I’ve noticed a similar phenomenon after beginning to study the Russian language this year. Most of my life I have had a vague, undefined and poorly understood contempt for communism, Soviet Russia, and anything related that was supposedly threatening to our way of life. But since beginning to study the language, the country’s history, and the people, I have discovered an equal passion for this culture. I speak Russian whenever I can, to the consternation of my family and friends, and spend many hours talking with the Russian students I’ve met through my student job.
While travel and broadened knowledge of other parts of the world may not be the only way to develop a more affectionate viewpoint of other people, societies and cultures, it certainly serves to destroy these preconceived notions we grow up with. My experiences have both made me a better person and helped me to reach out to others in a similar fashion. International law offers me an opportunity both to use my passion for new experiences and to be a part of a rapidly changing process. I am motivated both to learn more about this process and as well as the prospect of someday influencing it. Although one benefit of my travel experiences has been to broaden my personal scope, I know that what I have seen and done represents only a tiny slice of what our world has to offer. I’m ready to participate in more of it.
Commentary 4: Happy Camper
What’s Strong:
This essay praises the value of travel and foreign language acquisition to overcome preconceived notions of others. The author has traveled and been exposed to cultural differences. She has also studied languages intensely. Cultural studies aims to fight many of the prejudices that are also overcome by open-minded travel. This essay takes up several of the themes in cultural studies; however, the themes are given first-hand perspective rather than theoretical discussion. First-hand experience allows for the inclusion of specific details, which admissions committees prefer.
The author’s camping experiences stand out as unique. They give the impression that she is always moving, learning, and experiencing the world. Camping is not an elite form of travel, so the fact that she begins learning about other cultures “on the ground,” gives her a genuine and sympathetic character (good ethos). The reader believes her claim that she wants to immerse herself in other cultures, to meet the people, and not just see the sights. In the context of the essay, the author suggests that each of the fifty states in the U.S. has its own culture, just as each has its own laws, and she has experienced them all. Traveling in North America gradually evolved for her into international interests in France and Russia. Then an interest in the Spanish language returned her home, to Spanish speakers in her town. After discovering a new perspective on her everyday life, she is ready to move out again into the field of international law.
What’s Wrong:
The rhetoric needs to be reshaped to reflect an intrepid, worldly law school candidate, which she is, rather than a sheltered, somewhat timid applicant. The essay lacks specific details that could illustrate the author’s positive qualities, such as leadership, resourcefulness, negotiation, organization. The only specific detail in the essay is that once the author could not communicate with a Québécois camp manager. This essay is too focused on starting new languages without pausing to explain how the author used each language to influence others, understand the world from a different perspective, or attempt cultural assimilation. The author should work in one or two narratives that show her interacting with others as a leader or part of a team. Admissions committees seek out collegial, self-assured candidates who work well with others. Most of the first two paragraphs, up until the introduction to camping, should be cut. The author needs a more powerful introduction in its place in order to grab the reader and establish a thesis that is then woven throughout the essay. The introduction, as it stands, introduces the author as self-centered and sheltered; it would be better to introduce her as a multi-lingual world-traveler.
Because the candidate has only studied Spanish for a few months, the rhetoric needs to make up for it being a new interest. The author could write the essay as a travel narrative that ended back at home, with a new perspective on her history and culture. This might be an essay that needs a quote about travel. At any rate, it needs a clearer thesis, explaining why the candidate values travel and languages. For example, she could explain that travel and language acquisition contain within them a challenging and exciting array of academic, creative, and professional pursuits. This will satisfy admission committee members that the candidate has not studied languages to the exclusion of other academic and analytical pursuits.
2nd Round:
(Of course, every personal statement is taken on its own terms. There is no formula for revision suggestions at Revision Editing. For the second round of editing, you will often receive your statement back with our commentary embedded in the essay itself, pointing you to the places where you need to include more specific details and giving you examples of how certain sentences might be phrased so that they make an argument for why you should be admitted to law school. The following is an example of commentary embedded in the statement. If you receive a round of commentary suggesting substantial changes to your statement (like the following), we will always briefly read your final draft for free, just to be sure your statement is completely error-free.)
Here is an example of how the essay could be revised to make it even stronger. You'll be able to see how specific details make your claims so much more convincing to the admissions committee. Be sure to put several more specific details in the statement where marked:
[I traveled one hundred thousand miles—to all fifty states and [four] countries—and learned three languages, before I could understand what was in my own backyard.] While travel and language acquisition may not be the only ways to develop a more sophisticated understanding of other individuals, societies and cultures, they steadily tear down preconceived notions we unwittingly grow up with.
My family considered travel an essential aspect of education. Our primary recreation was camping. By the time I was sixteen, I had visited every state in the country and most southern provinces in Canada. [Comic description of recreation vehicle?] Once in rural Québec, [description of setting and attempted conversation with campground owners]. [This was the first time I experienced a language barrier. I was ten years old, and I determined then I would learn French. By the time I graduated from high school, I had succeeded at this goal, and I was fluent enough to spend one summer (give a specific example, such as "working at a vineyard in France").] [Description of skills acquired in this country.]
[From this experience I realized the enormous benefits to be gained by learning languages. In college, I continued honing my French language skills. I often read French newspapers online to get a better sense of the repercussions of the United States government’s actions on the international community.] [When one enters another culture’s language, it becomes easier to enter its perspectives. I began studying Russian in college so that I could come to a better understanding of the political situation in the former Soviet Union, as it were, from the inside out. Since beginning to study the language, the country’s history, and the people, I have… To improve my Russian language skills, I sought out a job that puts me in contact with Russia students. (Description of job.) This work allows me to spend many hours talking with Russian friends about changes in the former Soviet Union over the past decade. (A specific detail about an interaction with a Russian friend.)]
[After much travel and language study, I recently looked again at my home. To my surprise, I found I saw it with new vision. I began to be interested in the community I had previously been eager to escape.] Oklahoma has the largest percentage of Spanish speakers of any state in the country. [I found that I wanted to be part of the community that surrounded me my whole life, and which extended out through most of Central and South America and over to Spain. Spanish is the official language in twenty countries, and spoken in more than twenty other countries.] I immersed myself in the language in Mexico last summer. The people, the food, the attitudes, and the language itself, all inspired me to open my mind towards this culture I had previously dismissed. Now, back in Oklahoma, I am continuing my studies in Spanish and making every effort to involve myself with groups on campus as well as individual students I meet with Spanish-speaking backgrounds. [specific details related to Spanish-speaking student groups, law or career goals.]
[When I begin a new language or a new course of study, I see it through to the end, and I excel in the possibilities open to me once I have mastered the foundations. I intend to put my language skills to work in a career in international law.] I am motivated to learn more about the rapidly-changing process of international law. Although my travel experiences have broadened my scope already, I know that what I have seen and done represents only a tiny slice of what our world has to offer. I am eager to participate in more of it.